new point of view

I helped you so you have to help me back.

Funny how I let things get to me. I play these situations out in my mind as I fall asleep at night, saying to myself “I’m gonna react different next time this happens.” Sure enough, here I am watching the same ol’ characteristics win me over. I’m going to try harder, one day at a time. And when I fail, I’ll laugh and accept a little grace. I’m here to serve, not to feel balanced.

Influential Me

Well it’s been a long while since I’ve blogged and I’m finally making myself sit down and shoot the breeze with y’all. Something has come to my attention over the past couple weeks, and though I’ve been thinking about it for a while I still don’t quite know how to put it all out on paper.  But the gist of it is that I have been wondering if I am indeed a good person. Or more importantly, am I a good influence on other people. I have had a few times in life where I have been in a leadership role. One being a supervisor at work, or an older brother to my siblings. Another could be the few years I taught bible study in high school. But as I reflect on the relationships I have now I have to wonder where I would find myself on the ‘good influence’ scale. 

The first thing that worries me is that over time I have become less concerned with my outward appearance towards the world. I have indeed been seeking God in my heart and yet find that I am not strongly compelled to separate myself from ‘worldly things’. And then that presses me to think about what ‘worldly things’ really means. Can you do anything you want as long as you don’t let it “change” you? Can you do anything you want behind closed doors? If you only surround yourself with good friends can you “be yourself”? I have found that I am for the most part the same person in front of all people. But I would be lying if I said that there weren’t a few things that I hid from certain groups of people or friends. Why do I do this? Because explaining the reasoning behind certain choices just seems to much of a hassle to go through and so I don’t. And this is where the rift comes in. A huge dividing line that stretches from one one side of my soul to the other. How can I decide who needs what side of me. Should I be more of a Christian around my christian friends? Should I be less of a Christian around my non-christian friends? And although in all circumstances I am still a friend, sometimes i find that the devil truly is in the details. 

And so as I ponder all the aspects of what being an influence truly is, I find that I am saddened by all that one must consider in the age we live in. I cuss, I smoke, I drink. I don’t care if people rub their beliefs in my face and I rarely impose my own. So am I a pushover? Am I weak? Am I responsible for the things I may or may not push my own friends to do? By not stepping in and preventing someone from making a bad decision am I just as to blame as they are? I have no answers for anything and I have a lack of confidence in myself to stand up and influence those around me. And this all stems from the fact that I don’t know what side of wrong and right a lot of things are on. So it looks like I have some more thinking to do. I have to realize that every choice we make does matter and to think otherwise would be very foolish. I’m a lot older than I was in my high school bible study, and I’m a lot smarter. But that means nothing when your not focused on being a better person, inside and out. 

In Your Hands

And when I stare into her eyes

It’s like I’m walking through a field of green

And when we talk all through the night

It makes me wanna sing

And I swear that when we kiss

We belong on the movie screen

I love the way she stands so close to me

Leaving no room for space between

And now that I have found you girl

The fleeting days don’t just pass by

You teach me how to slow it down

With you I’m gonna take my time

So here’s my heart if you want it

Cause in your hands it’s meant to stay

Cause life’s too short for me to hide it anymore

Especially since you’ve touched it girl there’s no hiding it all

Now I’m hooked on your line

Cause you’ve got the only hook that sets me free

I’ve never been so comfortable 

Having suck a heavy need

Please keep your grip around my soul

And I’ll be yours as steady as the tide

Together we will surely find

I love that fills this vally so wide. 

So here’s my heart cause girl you’ve won it

And in your hands it’s gonna stay

Cause life’s too short for me to hide it anymore

Especially since you’ve touched it girl there’s no hiding it all

Love Hard When You Can

So I had a little free time this afternoon while enjoying the ability to do whatever I want on this beautiful Saturday here in Sugar Land so I decided to start an entry. Sugar Land is where I am kinda from. Before moving to Austin I had lived my previous 13 years here in this little/big town. I’ve now been living in Austin for 6 months and time is not slowing down. I’m currently sitting at a table at Sweetwater Starbucks, my old store. The employees behind the counter are mixed with friends and people I don’t know. It’s weird when places change while your gone. It’s almost as if you expect things to be the exact same when you return, as if time stopped while you were away. But they don’t, and you remember that the world around you has nothing to do with your actions at all, but more so of the opposite. And as that thought sinks in, I get this feeling of comfort. There is such a steady flow of continuity within the walls of my life that I know the days I am granted on this earth will be filled with many things, but most of all will be filled with love. Wherever we land, and wherever we build our houses and yards and children, we make friends around us. And when we pack up and move again, those friends we leave behind are still alive doing their own things, but they will remember you. I am not alone in being on my own. It is in our memories that we keep the timeline of our lives alive. And I’m one of the worst people at keeping in touch, but it seems that the powers that be help out a lot. So love your hardest when you can. And pray that the seeds you sow keep growing, even when you’re not around.

Another Point of View

Okay, okay, okay. It’s been a fast paced two weeks since my last post. I’m loosing the battle of fulfilling my attempts to do this at least once a week. But I finally found myself here at my spot, Dominican Joe, sippin’ on some extremely hot coffee. So if you remember from my last couple entries, I’m trying some new ideas here on my blog. My goal is to steer away from self reflection and try to incorporate some sort of world factor here for people to enjoy. With this being the great country of the U.S.A., there are so many interesting things going on that I feel I could brainstorm some self-reflected opinions on. To tell you the truth, I’m simply exploring different ways to use this blog. So please bear with me in my trial and error writing. So hear it goes.

Sports and Other Fun Stuff

The United States Olympic Committee increased it’s financial commitment by 55% for this Winter Olympics and spent 58 million dollars to go towards training for the US representatives. It’s paying off it seams. Having bagged gold, silver and bronze 24 times through 10 days, Team USA is threatening to run away with this competition and lead the medal count at the Winter Olympics for the first time since 1932. Now this may seem like a lot, but let me throw you some more numbers to put this in perspective.

The New York Yankees bought their World Series Championship in 2009 for 208 million.

A Super Bowl victory cost the New Orleans Saints 130 million in player payroll.

In the past 4 years, the Denver Nuggets have paid 55 million to forward Kenyon Martin alone.

So it looks like world domination is pretty cheap. It almost makes me want to puke knowing how much money goes into games around here. But I guess there is a demand for it so I can’t really complain. I would hate to compare these numbers to how much it would take to feed a family for a year in Haiti. I’ll leave that for another post.

Inside the Courthouse and Other Dramatic Stuff

Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott has intervened in a first-of-its-kind Travis County same-sex divorce case, arguing that the women involved, who were married in another state, may not be legally granted a divorce because Texas law defines marriage as between a man and a woman.

Angelique Naylor, 39, and Sabina Daly, 41, married in 2004 in Massachusetts, where gay marriage is legal. They returned to their home in Austin and together adopted a son, who is now 4. They have been separated for more than a year.

Last week, at the close of a two-day hearing before state District Judge Scott Jenkins on how they should divide their property and share custody of their son, the two reached an agreement that in part called for them to divorce.

Abbott spokesman Jerry Strickland said in a statement, “The State maintains that the Court has no legal authority to grant this divorce, and as a result, the State must intervene in this case to defend the Texas Constitution.”

Wow. And I thought I had problems. These poor women are in the biggest pickle I’ve ever read about. Just thought I’d incorporate this to show that maybe we don’t have the most complicated lives ever. Cheers.

Life and Other Inspiring Stuff

While out for a run in January 2008, Mark Hager was hit by a truck that fled the scene. The accident broke his neck, back, pelvis and 20 ribs, but he was determined to hit the pavement again despite the pain.

The recovery was long and grueling. But Hager says reading about another athlete who ran again after being hit by a car inspired him to get through the pain.

That’s why, two years after he was struck by a hit-and-run driver as he crossed the intersection of West Braker Lane and Ptarmigan Drive, Hager, 47, has launched a Web site called IWillAgain.com, where athletes overcoming accidents, injuries or illness can share their stories, advice, goals and moral support.

Late in March, less than three months after he was hit, he returned to work. And that July 4th, he ran for the first time.

It’s pretty cool to read about things like this. The only thing I’ve broken is my arm, twice. I still have most of all things that keep me happy intact. I hope that if there is anyone out there that feels helpless in the obstacles they must overcome that they realize there are others out there that have not only gone through the same things, but offer lifelines of encouragement for people to grab on to. It’s a beautiful thing, the human spirit. One of a kind.

___________________________________

I hope this new layout isn’t completely horrible. I will do my best to highlight the most interesting stories each week and I will continue to tweek the categories as I go. Thanks always for reading and I’ll see you all next week.

Monday, Monday, Monday.

So I’m here at my usual blogging spot, Dominican Joe’s. I’m currently waiting on a phone call that could interrupt this post so if I have to split this session into two parts please forgive me. It’s the beginning of a new week, and I like to put my best efforts into my Mondays. To me, Monday is to the week as breakfast is to the day.  The most important meal, or the most important day. I am not the first victim to fall beneath the weight of starting a new week, fresh of a lazy weekend. I figure if I can get through the infamous Monday that the rest of the week will fall into place. Which got me thinking about an idea for a new theme for my blog. As I said in my last post, I am done with self-reflection. This is not to say that I will not have any input or opinion, because I simply love that part. It means that I’m trying to push my gaze outward, toward the world around me. And as I woke up this morning and went to work, I started thinking about the weekend and the week that has started and the strenuous transition from one to the other. Monday is a new beginning for everyone, and yet it is this ‘beginning’ that is so hard to start. Everyone is dying to get to Tuesday, right? Well the best antidote for me is to talk to others and find out what they are working on and what they are bogged down about to help me realize I’m not the only one with the blues. So I figured that with every monday should come with a little conversation via my blog. A little current events update of things going on around the world that may help keep things in perspective. Now bear with me now because I’m not exactly mr. current events. I’m actually pretty disconnected when it comes to the news. But it’s never to late to start listening and looking. In doing this I feel that I can continue to remember that I am a blessed individual with each day being a chance to become more wise and more knowledgeable. So we will see how it goes as each Monday passes. I would start today, but I have a show to go to in 15 minutes and don’t really have the time. I won’t wait until Monday to post again. I’m also going to be highlighting some local businesses as well this week, so keep your eyes out for some good stuff. Until then, happy Monday to ya

I’m Drinking Coffee Again

I know I said this would be available for reading by Monday, but I decided to move it up a day. I have been thinking a lot about this writing thing and how to make sure it is continually being a creative expression of myself and not a boxed in version of the truth.  For example, over the last three days I’ve ignored at least 10 homeless people asking for help. But I’ve also had a moment at church this past Sunday that made me feel the spirit of God move in me again. In between extremes I’m quiet about what I am really thinking in the first place. But give me a cup of coffee and a perfect coffee house setting and I can write a journal entry, trying my best to be a historian of thought. But here is the part that freaks me out. I only remember the things that I want to and a lot of this bleeding world gets left out of the records. And believe me when I say that I’ve brainstormed a lot about how to incorporate all aspects of my character in a monologue.  But incorporating all aspects of the world around me is a different animal. But it needs to be done. This will be the last blog all about me. I’m tired, you’re tired. Plus I feel like the tens of thousands of people that I live with in this city may have something I could write about as well. Sounds cool to me. It seems exciting to be in the electric flow of society. The inside of my head is getting lonely. I need a side project, so to speak. And you know it feels good to have a reason to change something that could have been okay staying the same. So the short story is that I am ‘broadening my horizons’. I want to know the human race. I want to understand the American dream. I want to help Haiti. I wanna make new friends. I don’t ignore the homeless because I don’t want to give them money. It’s because I am scared of how different we are. And I want to change that. That is my resolution for today. To be more connected. I think you learn the most from a person that you try to help. I think that will be a better prescription  for my psychoanalysis than I could ever explain on this blog. And that puts a spring in my step already. I’m curious to see what the rest of the world is struggling with. And even more so, I’m curious to see what the rest of the world is joyful about. It’s amazing what our brains can figure out for self preservation. Not preservation of the body, but of the soul. We have to give, or at least listen to more than ourselves. And it’s a good thing because it seems I’m pretty boring any way. Until next week my friends.

Matthew

It’s Still the New Year to Me.

So it’s been three weeks into the new year and I’m finally sitting down to give myself a new entry in my little blog I got going here. It seems to have been a while since my last log so let me catch ya up on my so called life. My Dad turned 54 years old on Wednesday. My sister turned 22 today. And I turn the humble age of 26 on February 8th. I’m hitting the 6th month mark of my wonderful relationship with my girlfriend. I’ve been living in Austin for almost 5 months now and Trisha (my girlfriend) is all moved up here and has started school now. We’ve been setting up her apartment and going to the weekly services at The Austin Stone Community Church. When we can we bike all over the city exploring local coffee shops and resale stores. The weather has been absolutely perfect so being outside is always our goal. Right now we are at Dominican Joe’s so Trisha can catch up on some reading while I buzz around the internet world for a second job and attempt to write a little bit here and now. The feel for 2010 is great so far. I gotta admit that I wish I had a little more money in my pocket but that is why my first goal of this new year is to find a second job. I know I’ve been talking about this for a while but I mean come on right? I just gotta get it done. I just got back from Houston last night from one of my good friends wedding. There is nothing like a beautiful wedding ceremony to put things in perspective for you. It was my first wedding to go to with my Trisha, which always brings a funny amount of anxiety with it. But, just as I expected, we ended up leaving the church talking about what we liked and didn’t like about the service and what we will end up doing at our own. Crazy right? Like I said, 2010 has a good feel to it. PLEASE don’t think that we are getting married anytime soon. I was just trying to show how transparent things are becoming for me. So yeah, now that I’m done rambling about the start of the new year I guess I can start to bottle neck this entry into some kind of body of work. Well in between the birthdays and weddings and coffee and bike rides over the last couple weeks I’ve been wrestling with resolutions for the new year. I’m a late bloomer so to speak so it’s to no surprise that it takes me three weeks to have new year resolutions for myself. I don’t think people even like talking about their new years resolutions, much less try to achieve them. Probably because the name is connected to past failed attempts to change ones self. So lets throw that cliche out the door. Lets pretend that every day is the new year and begin to live within the 24 hours that surround us each day. I’m going to kick ass tomorrow as a representative of this human race. That’s what I want to be. I always want to change things about me, looking at all my characteristics as separate entities that work together to be me. What I know to be true in my small little soul is this; I need to be changed as a whole first to fix the small things. So lets change the you into what you want to be. Sounds deep but I actually apply these corny revelations to simple parts of my day. I’m not gonna quit smoking. I’m just not going to be a smoker.  Unfortunately I’ve gone on too long and never even got to my (cliche alert) new years resolutions. But that forces me to begin the sequel sometime tomorrow. Have a great week folks of the Austin city limits. I hope that we are all devoting our prayers to Haiti and all those trying to help them. I’m so blessed is all that I can feel right now.